Dearest Seeker, 

In the deepest places, ones unfound and ghostly, only known by the unafraid eyes with a heart that trembles only a little mostly, I will gather my leftover love for me and venture to find acceptance that may presently be just a speck and in the form brittle, you see.

The walls I call my own where only safety resides and grumbles on the intrusions of strangers of all and any kind, I will build them brick by brick of emotions I gathered by travelling to places far away in my wandering mind.

There will be a gathering, invited only for parts of me, not just the ones I embody in the life of mine, but even the ones distant and unkind. Shame will be there, so will the guilt, anger will come barging in as the sadness takes that moment to let the tears come to the brim.

I will ask them each of their stories and patiently wait for the doorway of mystery to open into the wide chamber of unbridled secrets, I will walk through it with my steps soft and my hands gentle for there exists no space for mistakes and negotiation of give and takes.

The trust is what I will slowly cultivate, as without it my new relationships will be just a greedy rampage. Only my kindest intentions will partake in this discovery, for the acceptance I found must be carefully grown from brittle to indestructible in this journey. 

When the time comes to leave the complexities obvious and rare, I will close the door gently without a disturbance in the psyche of the one I care. I will take on the tasks that were near impossible to mold and create a possibility that was previously hidden, now to be told.

The deepest appreciation of my wounds and worth, my boons and curse, will set into motion a stream of new conscience more united for once. It will not break so easily this time, with the promise of my nurture even when I fight with the world or when my own darkness whines.

When my guests get up to leave, my warm hands will cradle their shivering ones, my smile tentative and eyes apologetic in all sense. I will tell them of the forgiveness I seek, convey my intention of attempts to understand them despite the ocean beneath them that makes my knees weak.

Tonight, I will not let them leave empty-handed, with hollow vows spoken as in the past and intentions pure but opening only in deep, swallowing nothingness that seems to forever last. Tonight, I will sever ties with learned brutality as it shatters on the floor beneath me, and let myself feel the profound sadness of broken familiarity, but also rejoice in the newfound sovereignty. 

As the unforgiveness seeps out of the fragmented long ties of the fabric made of punishment, I will let my vulnerability mend it and color it bold with striking threads of nourishment. When the ground is filled with nothing of the past, I will pick up all the newly crafted wisps with love and sew them to make a shield for the battlefields abundant and vast. 

When together we only see the innocence of survival in the vicious ghosts that kept me company in my home made of damp walls, a truce will come to pass that honors their existence and serves all. An exchange will be written down in the count of my history, an elixir of chance given for an oath of cultivating unpliable love for myself, at last letting all my selves free. 

History will be created with witness, victim, and perpetrator all present in one, in an event that will occur in numbers in the destiny I now recognize as remarkably done. The filtered perspectives will call each role separate and individually known, but the victory in the future foretells only a soul existed with its perpetual distress to fully serve its purpose to shed, destroy, mend, and accept to be of its own. 

Seek, dearest.